Famous Funny Quotes



Funny quotes is a relative term. What may be funny to one is not funny to another. Cute quotes may make one groan but a funny friendship quote may make you laugh until you cry. Some of these famous funny quotes are classic and others are an array of quotes from various people.

Remember, you are welcome to use a quote from this website and link back to FamousQuotesGalore.com.

Each person had their own unique sense of humor, please note that none of these quotes are meant to offend anyone!

Notable FamousQuotesGalore.com Funny Quote


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein


FamousQuotesGalore.comA dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

FamousQuotesGalore.comA friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

FamousQuotesGalore.comA government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

FamousQuotesGalore.comA hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

FamousQuotesGalore.comA James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

FamousQuotesGalore.comA judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

FamousQuotesGalore.comA lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comA nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

FamousQuotesGalore.comA word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

FamousQuotesGalore.comAirplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

FamousQuotesGalore.comAlimony islike buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

FamousQuotesGalore.comAll right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

FamousQuotesGalore.comAll you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

FamousQuotesGalore.comAlways end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

FamousQuotesGalore.comAny girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

FamousQuotesGalore.comAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

FamousQuotesGalore.comAs I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

FamousQuotesGalore.comBe able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant

FamousQuotesGalore.comBetween two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

FamousQuotesGalore.comBy trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

FamousQuotesGalore.comCalifornia is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comCleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

FamousQuotesGalore.comCross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comCuriosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comDon't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

FamousQuotesGalore.comDon't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

FamousQuotesGalore.comDrawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

FamousQuotesGalore.comElectricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

FamousQuotesGalore.comEvery man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

FamousQuotesGalore.comEverybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

FamousQuotesGalore.comEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comFashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

FamousQuotesGalore.comFatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

FamousQuotesGalore.comFood is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

FamousQuotesGalore.comGet your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

FamousQuotesGalore.comGo to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

FamousQuotesGalore.comHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

FamousQuotesGalore.comHave enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

FamousQuotesGalore.comHe taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

FamousQuotesGalore.comHe would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens

FamousQuotesGalore.comHonesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

FamousQuotesGalore.comHuman beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

FamousQuotesGalore.comI always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

FamousQuotesGalore.comI am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

FamousQuotesGalore.comI am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comI am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

FamousQuotesGalore.comI bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comI busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comI can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde

FamousQuotesGalore.comI cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

FamousQuotesGalore.comI did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

FamousQuotesGalore.comI distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

FamousQuotesGalore.comI don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

FamousQuotesGalore.comI don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

FamousQuotesGalore.comI don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

FamousQuotesGalore.comI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comI drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

FamousQuotesGalore.comI failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comI found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

FamousQuotesGalore.comI have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

FamousQuotesGalore.comI have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

FamousQuotesGalore.comI have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

FamousQuotesGalore.comI have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

FamousQuotesGalore.comI haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

FamousQuotesGalore.comI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comI knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

FamousQuotesGalore.comI like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

FamousQuotesGalore.comI like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comI like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

FamousQuotesGalore.comI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

FamousQuotesGalore.comI love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

FamousQuotesGalore.comI love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

FamousQuotesGalore.comI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

FamousQuotesGalore.comI never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

FamousQuotesGalore.comI never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

FamousQuotesGalore.comI rant,therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

FamousQuotesGalore.comI refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

FamousQuotesGalore.comI sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

FamousQuotesGalore.comI spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

FamousQuotesGalore.comI think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

FamousQuotesGalore.comI used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

FamousQuotesGalore.comI used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

FamousQuotesGalore.comI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

FamousQuotesGalore.comI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

FamousQuotesGalore.comI was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

FamousQuotesGalore.comI will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comI wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

FamousQuotesGalore.comI wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

FamousQuotesGalore.comI would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

FamousQuotesGalore.comI would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

FamousQuotesGalore.comI'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis

FamousQuotesGalore.comI'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

FamousQuotesGalore.comI'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

FamousQuotesGalore.comI'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

FamousQuotesGalore.comI'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller

FamousQuotesGalore.comI'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

FamousQuotesGalore.comIf you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra


FamousQuotesGalore.comIn Hollywooda marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

FamousQuotesGalore.comIt all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

FamousQuotesGalore.comIt is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

FamousQuotesGalore.comIt is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

FamousQuotesGalore.comLet's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O'Rourke

FamousQuotesGalore.comLife is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

FamousQuotesGalore.comMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

FamousQuotesGalore.comModeration is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

FamousQuotesGalore.comMoney isbetter than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comMost women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich

FamousQuotesGalore.comMy computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

FamousQuotesGalore.comMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

FamousQuotesGalore.comMy Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

FamousQuotesGalore.comMy father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

FamousQuotesGalore.comMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

FamousQuotesGalore.comMy theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

FamousQuotesGalore.comNever fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke


FamousQuotesGalore.comNever have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

FamousQuotesGalore.comNever raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

FamousQuotesGalore.comNever wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke

FamousQuotesGalore.comNobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

FamousQuotesGalore.comO Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

FamousQuotesGalore.comOh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw

FamousQuotesGalore.comOlder people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

FamousQuotesGalore.comOne man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland

FamousQuotesGalore.comOriginality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

FamousQuotesGalore.comOur national flower is the concrete clover leaf.
Lewis Mumford

FamousQuotesGalore.comParents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

FamousQuotesGalore.comParrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase

FamousQuotesGalore.comPeople always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

FamousQuotesGalore.comProcrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

FamousQuotesGalore.comRecession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

FamousQuotesGalore.comRoses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

FamousQuotesGalore.comSmoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

FamousQuotesGalore.comStart everyday off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

FamousQuotesGalore.comTelevision has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

FamousQuotesGalore.comTelevision is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comThe consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
David Ogilvy

FamousQuotesGalore.comThe four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

FamousQuotesGalore.comThe only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

FamousQuotesGalore.comThe reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

FamousQuotesGalore.comThe superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire


FamousQuotesGalore.comThe way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

FamousQuotesGalore.comThere cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

FamousQuotesGalore.comThere comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
Casey Stengel

FamousQuotesGalore.comThere is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Mark Twain

FamousQuotesGalore.comThere's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

FamousQuotesGalore.comTragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

FamousQuotesGalore.comTV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

FamousQuotesGalore.comTwo things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

FamousQuotesGalore.comWe learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw

FamousQuotesGalore.comWe'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

FamousQuotesGalore.comWeather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

FamousQuotesGalore.comWhat does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

FamousQuotesGalore.comWhat's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
Fred Allen

FamousQuotesGalore.comWhen I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

FamousQuotesGalore.comWhen you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hotcinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

FamousQuotesGalore.comWine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

FamousQuotesGalore.comWomen are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurb
er

FamousQuotesGalore.comYou want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
Harry S. Truman

FamousQuotesGalore.comYou're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

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